Prideful Prejudice
by wingsofseyfert12
Summary: In the pursuit of love fear, pride and misconstrued beliefs can be our worst enemies.


Disclaimer: All rights to the name "Mashiroiro Symphony" belong solely to Manglobe, Frontier Works and their associates. I neither own this franchise nor do I profit from the writing of this story.

Author's Note: Yo what up people. Just finished watching this anime and really could not help but feel sorry for Sana. So I'm going to indulge in my effeminate side and try my hand at this one-shot. Hope it works out.

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For as long as I could remember I hated boys. I had always thought them to be so vile and uncouth with nothing better in their minds than to strip us of our clothes.

Perhaps it is unfair of me to associate all men like this. I'm pretty sure that there are exceptions but I cannot help it. I seemed to have inherited this distaste for them. Maybe it is because my father left us. My mother raised me all by herself with no one to help her. Often times, when I was a little girl, I would ask my mother why father wasn't with us.

I could still remember her face, how it would attempt to stay strong. She would smile and assure me that he was out doing something important and could not be with us. I wanted to believe her and told myself every night that he was out there somewhere perhaps working for our own good. However as I grew older I found it harder and harder to tell myself that and the consolations my mother would give me did not have the effect it once did.

If it was one thing I hated about growing up was the fact that I was becoming more aware of my own surroundings and it was becoming very obvious that I had no father. That more I inquired about him the more I began to see the sorrow and hurt underneath the veil of assurance my mother would often put up to comfort me.

Then she finally came clean about what had happened. I remember feeling a sense of dread that day and when she started to recite her story I could not help but start clenching my hands so tightly that I was sure that I was drawing blood with my nails. How my scum bag father had literally seduced my mother and had his way with her and when he found that she was with child he bolted and was never seen again.

I love my mother very much. She is kindest and most dedicated woman I have ever seen. I hardly even see her as she is at work making sure to provide me with not only shelter but also to have the means to have me attend Yuihime Girls' Private Academy and insure that I get the best possible education.

To think that this wonderful person had just been abandoned once she had served her purpose. That the entirety of her hopes, dreams, ambitions and love were nothing to that pig headed father of mine. That she was only an instrument of pleasure, a mere _toy_ for him to play with and once he tired of her he left just like that.

I hate him. I absolutely abhor him.

What compounds this even further is that everyday I find my confirmations about men ringing more and more true. How I hear on the news about men beating their wives before getting arrested. Or the alarming number of single mothers that are out there in our country. Have men always been like this? Nothing more than ingrates who could not appreciate us women aside from being pleasure toys for them? How can a man beat the living life out of a woman who had dedicated her entire life to him? To give her mind, body, soul and love to him and for what? So that he could tie her down like a mere pet?

To be honest when I heard that boys from Kagamidai Private Academy were to attend our school in a experimental merger I was frightened. I could not help but think that whenever I saw these boys walking across the halls and would smile and wave at me that they were merely putting on an act. I thought it so superficial. I could not help but think that some of them were undressing me with their eyes. It was disgusting. To think that everything I stood for was nothing to them. That I was just a slab of meat and to hell with my own ambitions and dreams.

This is what I had known and believed all my life so of course I felt everything go out of whack when my esteemed sempai, Miu Amaha, was making acquaintance with that Uryuu Shingo boy.

He would come along with a smile and buy us drinks. He would help out and at the club while making himself at home with the other girls. They were all so accepting of him and this got me angry. How could they not see that it was all a ruse? That his smiles were not genuine and when they were alone with him he would do something horrible. I knew that it would only be a matter of time and I dreaded the day when I would hear how my friends had been hurt by this scumbag.

However, to my surprise, I found that no such thing had happened. Uryuu Shingo continued to smile and help out and everyday I found myself getting more and more comfortable around him. I got so complacent that I often had to snap myself awake and rebuke him before he attempted any funny stuff.

It was like he was casting a spell on us and we were all helpless to stop it. Was it his smile? Was it his willingness to help?

Or perhaps it was because he was genuine in his actions?

I had often asked myself that question in duration of the year I attended school with him. As if to shatter my beliefs even further I found that as the year went along no incidents had occurred at school. The boys were courteous and knew their place and attempted no acts of perversion or inequity. Were they also genuine in their good behavior or were they just good actors?

I was so confused I did not know what to think. My mind was in a maelstrom and I was powerless to calm the storm. Everything that I thought to be truth was shattering before my eyes.

Then one day I suddenly found myself alone with Uryuu at the park.

My heart beat furiously. I did not know if I was frightened or excited but what I did know was that Uryuu was the source of my anxiety. As we were alone I suddenly realized that I was in this young man's mercy. If he suddenly decided to turn on me then I would be powerless. He was not the most impressive specimen even amongst the boys that attended our school but he would be more than strong enough to subdue me.

To my complete shock I found that he meant me no harm. We spoke and I suddenly found that I was beginning to have a sort of friendship with this boy. Me, Sana, friends with a boy? To compound matters even more I suddenly demanded that he call me Sana and he, in turn, was fine with me referring to his first name, Shingo.

Shingo.

Just the sound of that name suddenly made my heart nearly burst from my chest. I did not know what to make of these emotions. I was frightened, angry, confused all at the same time. So I did the only thing I could do.

I got angry at him, made a harsh remark about him and then made my way home.

Yet the only thing I saw despite my unkind words was only a smile from Shingo.

As time went along I was finally able to sort my emotions and I came to the one conclusion that I never wanted to reach. It was blasphemy. It was almost heretical. But I could not deny it any longer.

I was in love with Uryuu Shingo.

Everytime I was with him instead of feeling unease I felt comfort. When I heard his voice I yearned to hear more of it. When I made contact with his hands when he burned himself I longed to explore more of his body. His arms were cut, defined and his chest was large for his body. I could tell that he did _some _sort of physical routine to maintain his shape and often times I would imagine myself in those arms of his. How he would me close and whisper in my ear with that soothing voice of his that left me wanting more.

Yet I would be damned if I would fall for his spell.

I would retort with something rude everytime he said something nice to me. I would rebuke physical contact from him. Sometimes I would randomly insult him and call him "garbage bug" in a feeble attempt to get him to get annoyed with me and leave me alone.

Shingo never was deterred by my half hearted attempts to get rid of him and this insistent dedication made me fall for him more. Was he the one? If I were to give myself to him would he be faithful to me? Would I be more to him than just a source of pleasure. That I would be an equal at his side and that when I told him of my goals and ambitions he would not yawn with boredom but instead smile and listen as if I was the only voice in the world.

One day I finally resolved to stop pushing him away. I could not deny my feelings any longer. I wanted to be with him and I made myself ready to do so.

So imagine my utter shock that on the day I finally was about to ask him if he was free one day that he receives a call from Miu-sempai for a study session at her house.

As I heard the interaction on the phone I felt that sense of dread once again. The same feeling I felt on the day my mother finally decided to tell me what had happened between her and my scumbag father. Desperately did I want to knock the phone out of his hand. To have him pay attention to ME.

But I was a coward. I did not stop him and naturally he accepted Miu-sempai's offer with glee. I mean, who wouldn't? Miu-sempai is both beautiful and kind. He turned to me and when I saw him with that elated smile I could literally feel the happiness radiating from him and it was at that moment that I suddenly realized that I lost my chance. That no matter what I did at this point I would not be considered any more than a friend.

How ironic that when I finally decided to accept him it would be too late. I had wanted to cry at that instance. It wasn't fair! Why did life always have to throw me these damn curve balls?

I hid my tears and promptly gave Shingo a good lecture and threatened his life if he tried anything funny to Miu-sempai though I need not worry. Miu-sempai was probably safest with Shingo around.

As I walked home I realized just how much I messed up. I had my opportunity to have him. There were plenty of chances yet I did not have the resolve to put aside my prejudices. I let my flawed notion of men get the better of me and when I finally snapped out of it it was too late.

For a moment I hated Miu-sempai as unbelievable as that sounded.

I would look myself in the mirror, naked, and when I would think about Miu-sempai's beauty I suddenly found my body inadequate. Small breasts, bony hips, rather coarse, red hair and my ribs poking the sides of my body. Not anything like the soft, voluptuous body that was Miu-sempai with her full breasts, hour glass figure and silky hair. How could I compete with that?

The simple answer was that I couldn't at least not anymore.

If that were not enough every day after that was nothing short of torture for me. Shingo would look towards Miu-sempai with eyes full of yearning and affection. She, in turn, would meet his gaze and they would blush heavily the tension palatable enough to even taste. During those moments I felt my emotions go into overdrive. Envy, love and hate.

Hate especially.

I hated Miu-sempai for being so kind, perfect and beautiful. That she would be irresistible to all those who desired her. I hated Shingo for looking at her with those eyes of longing. So desperately did I want to grab his shoulder and scream at him.

"Look at me instead damn it! I love you too why can't you see that?"

Most of all I hated myself.

I hated how I envied Miu-sempai and even harbored feelings of disgust towards her. The one girl who made me so welcome at this school and took me under her wing. She, to this very day, has been nothing but kind and understanding of me. And this is how I repay her? With hate and envy. I'm such a ingrate! Such a horrible person! That I would forsake my friendship with her for a boy! I hated how I fell for Shingo. That I instantly abandoned my lifelong convictions because of him. That my life now feels like it is in a twister or something. Nothing is making sense because I love him! I hate that I love him! I hate him for making me love him!

All those times he would act so kind to me, offering to carry my school supplies or using his handkerchief to clean myself. I hated it! Why did he have to torture me like this? Why make my heart swell with joy if at the end you are only going to step on it by spending time with Miu-sempai. Why can't you just leave me alone? Or better why don't you start hating me? Why don't you ever get angry that I yell at you and call you mean names? Damn it yell at me! Hate me! Insult me! Anything is better than this kindness you insist on showing me. Because in the end what good does it do me to experience a minute of Heaven if I am doomed to eternity in Hell?

As I replay the events of this year in my head I knew that had I acted earlier I could have had him. There were times when I felt a sort of tension between us. That he would initiate contact with me and I would find my heart fluttering. Yet I spurned all his advances letting my fear get the best of me.

Even so I resolved not to give up. I held on to the slim hope that perhaps Miu-sempai was only being kind to him and that they would stay nothing more than close friends.

Until I saw Shingo kiss Miu-sempai in the club room.

I literally felt my legs suddenly give way and it was only out of the quickest of reactions that I did not fall and make a spectacle of myself. Even so I could not bear to see them. The sight of Miu-sempai's lips on Shingo's would bring a sharp pain to my heart, as if there was an ice pick stabbing it. It was too much and I ran from them.

So I wept. I cried for a _boy_ and in front of Airi for that matter.

She held me in her arms and so desperately did I wish that it was Shingo that was holding me instead. However the arms were too lithe and slender, the body too soft. No amount of wishful thinking was going to undo what I saw that day. It showed that I had lost and that Shingo was no longer mine to take.

I am not ungrateful. I was happy that Airi was there. That I could use her to vent my frustrations and sorrows amidst the rain. That she too shed tears with me and would share my emotional burden. So kind of her. To this day I feel as if I had not properly expressed my gratitude for being with me that day.

It still hurts.

Even after ten years it still hurts.

I was invited to their wedding and I was the Maid of Honor. I accepted gladly but the ceremony was bittersweet. I was happy that they had found each other but at the same time I felt angry that I was not a part of that joy. I never accused Miu-sempai of stealing Shingo away from me. I know that it was mostly my fault for being too much of a coward to acknowledge my own feelings and swallow my pride.

Even as they are happily married he still haunts my dreams. I would dream that we are together. He would hold me tight and make me a sort of joy that could not simply be described. I would dream that we would have children and that they would grow up before our very eyes. That we would grow old together and that in the end we would die, hand in hand.

Yet each time I would wake up to this cruel reality and the only thing I could do was cry out in my wretched sorrow. That I was alone and that the joy I experienced in my dreams was but a fleeting thing. Sometimes I wonder if there is some God out there that is purposely making me suffer, to show me the error of my ways.

I wish that God would stop!

Damn it I learned my lesson, I learned it a millions times over! Why must I continue to suffer? Why insist on showing what could have been and then take it away from me and say "I told you so."

On those nights I would curl up and hug my pillow and wish desperately that it was Shingo resting his head on my breast. That I would stroke his hair as he slept soundly before having to wake up to work the next morning.

Sometimes I often wonder if dying is just a form of eternal sleep. If so maybe if I killed myself I could remain in that eternal dream with Shingo because it seems to be the only place that I can be with him now. I don't know. Even after all this time I feel as if nothing has improved.

I desperately pray that one day I find that special someone for me. I do not want to live alone like this and plagued with blissful dreams that make me want to sleep forever.

Yet I can never shake that feeling of dread and every day that passes reminds me of my failure.

If I try hard enough maybe I can stay asleep this time and dream that I'm with Shingo forever.

It is not as if I have anything to live for at this point anyway.

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Author's Note: Not my best work but I had fun writing it all the same. Hit me up let me know what you all think.


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